A Longing....

I've been looking at some artwork online on various sites...Flickr, RedBubble, etc.
Suddenly, I became overwhelmed by this desire to create a work of art. Not necessarily by using my camera.
I want to paint something. Or draw something. I want to use various mediums to create it...a collage of paint, paper, twigs. Something not normal. Nothing revolutionary, just...different. Especially for me. I can be such a "think inside the box" kind of person.

I began to miss the days when I was in art school. I realized that in the past, I wanted my artwork to be praised and admired. Especially when I was at St. Francis University because the school is known for having a great art program.

I was always jealous of great artists. Both famous artists and fellow students. I wanted someone to be jealous of my talent. It was selfish and I fear most of my endeavors to create such masterpieces was in vain.
It seems cliche to call this an epiphany...but that's just what it is.

I simply have a desire to make art for art's sake.

The problem is...I can't go buy paint. My dad has some he's going to give me, but I forgot to get it last time I was in Indiana.
I'm afraid this "itch", if you will, might disappear if I don't act soon.

Life will never be the same.

I keep thinking about the family I used to work for.

Just a few minutes ago, I was walking back into my room and noticed the Thank You card they gave me on my last day. It hit me...that job changed me. Not drastically, but certainly in small ways. I will never, ever forget it...or them.

I can't even really put into words how I think it changed me. Other than I definitely think it solidified that helping people who are mentally/physically challenged is my passion and is what God has called me to do.

It stretched my comfort zone.
It helped me to learn patience and humility.
It was culturally enlightening!
It made me wish I was stronger some days...and made me realize how strong I am other days.

It's crazy to think how God used that job. How it was a "stepping stone" to where I am now. And where I am now is a stepping stone to where I'll be in the future.

I miss that family at least once or twice a week. Do I think I can/should go back? No. It's a weird dynamic. I feel like I should be dying to go back given how often I think about them...how the kids are doing...how the parents are.

So maybe I can put into words how it changed me.

What have we done, Lord, to soil your name?

" Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
~Colossians 3:13~

This is a profound thing Christ calls us to do. Believe me, there have been many times where it has been nearly impossible for me to forgive someone who hurt me and sinned against me. But one in particular took many years. It was painful and probably the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, but I knew I had to do it.

Christ calls us to do this for many reasons. One is simply to be good image bearers. If we do not forgive, how can people believe in the forgiving God that we claim to follow?

I've told people the story in detail. One response I got was: "How did you stay a Christian?" That response right there is a clear example of how the world looks at our responses to sin committed against us as an example of how God must be.

Another reason, and this is the main reason why I had to muddle through my forgiveness issues with a certain individual, is unforgiveness...bitterness...anger...these things, for one, are not from God. For two, it sits and festers in your heart.
One thing God told/spoke to me: "Your heart is becoming cold...slowly and without your knowledge. Do not let your heart become cold." The mental image of a heart surrounded by thick, black, nearly impenetrable matter came to mind. That was my heart. All because of one grievance. Not necessarily one instance, but many over the course of several years. But nonetheless...because of one person.

I could forgive the ex-boyfriends who dumped me because I wouldn't sleep with them. I could forgive the boy who caused such anxiety and fear in my heart because I thought for sure he was going to rape me. I could forgive the friend who would get mad at me for no reason and would refuse to speak to me. I could forgive all of that relatively easily. But this one person...this one instance...was something quite different all together.

But it doesn't end there. I did forgive. And while I don't know if this man is aware of the pain he caused or if he is aware that I have forgiven him (though I am considering writing him a letter), I knew it had to be done. Though I'd probably never see him again, I knew I had to forgive. Because God forgave me...and continues to forgive me. This is, by far, the greatest reason why I knew I had to forgive him.

This is why I would encourage anyone and everyone to forgive those who have hurt you. I know from experience it is daunting, painful, and incredibly difficult. But it's not impossible.

...groans that words cannot express.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
-Romans 8:26-

I took the day off of work to re-group and spend some time with God. For some reason, the past week or two has just been rough for me. Last night I just knew I was being attacked.

So, I read that verse today and I was just floored. So often, I have a hard time with words and expressing what is on my mind. "I can't even find the words".

The Holy Spirit number one: knows the words I cannot find...and number two: takes care of it for me! What a relief!!

This image popped into my head of God/the Holy Spirit just weeping and groaning...feeling the same feelings I am...he has the same broken heart!

I am amazed!

The Signature of Jesus

One of the girls who works at Starbucks told me about this book, Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. She said it was really good, so while at Barnes and Noble yesterday, I decided to find it and possibly buy it. They didn't have any copies of it, but they did have another one of his books...The Signature of Jesus.
I've only read the preface and the first chapter, but I'm pretty sucked-in already.

"The greatest need for our time is for the church to become what it has seldom been: the body of Christ with its face to the world, loving others regardless of religion or culture, pouring itself out in a life of service, offering hope to a frightened world, and presenting itself as a real alternative to the existing argument."

"The reality of life for Christian men and women requires that they leave what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walk into the desert without rational explanations to justify their decisions or guarantee their future. Why? Solely and simply because God signals this movement and offers it his promise."

"The gospel will persuade no one unless it has so convicted us that we are transformed by it."

"When we fear failure more than we love life; when we are dominated by thoughts of what we might have been rather than by thoughts of what we might become; when we are haunted by the disparity between our ideal self and our real self; when we are tormented by guilt, shame, remorse, and self -condemnation, we deny our faith in the God of love."

"If we refuse to keep moving and insist on signs and tangible proofs, we diminish our faith."

And, finally, this quote, I believe, sums up pretty well what this book is about....

"This book is not a mincing pastoral, nor a series of well-behaved meditations for pious people. It is a book about being heroes and heroines for the sake of Jesus Christ--for the sake of no one less than Christ, and in such a fashion that only the eyes of Jesus need see. It is a summons to authentic faith and radical discipleship, to the purity of the gospel, to the high road to Calvary and the scandal of the Cross, to a life of freedom under the signature of Jesus."

Not enough, and yet too much.

I've never read Captivating, but now I kindof want to. I read this excerpt on one of the shift managers' (from work) Facebook.

"Every woman I've ever met feels it-something deeper than just the sense of failing at who she is. I am not enough and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, and not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is shame-the universal companion of women.... It haunts us, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.... The message to the rest of us is TRY HARDER".
-Captivating

This just got me thinking about how hard I can be on myself. I mean, yes, I am human. I have faults; I sin. But I'm constantly scolding myself or criticizing myself. I'm constantly feeling like I could be more, do more, etc. Never good enough. And yet too much of certain things.

But what I really liked about this quote was it didn't end with "But the truth is that you're beautiful and amazing..." etc. All those feel good statements.
I love how the last sentence is "The message to the rest of us is try harder".

And that doesn't make me react in frustration or make me feel like "I am trying." It's motivating.
I don't know if that's what they're trying to say. I don't know if this is the whole quote from the book. I'm guessing it's not because of the "..." But...I hope that is what the authors meant. That's so much more appealing to me than the typical "But the truth is that you're beautiful and amazing..." quotes.

I know God loves me; I know he forgives me. But the "it's who I am" mindset can quickly become an excuse.
There's a balance. And I'm not sure what exactly that balance is, but I hope I will live my life in that balance more often than not.

I read Do You Think I'm Beautiful and after that book I gave up on the feel-good girlie almost self-help books. No offense to anyone who likes that book, but it's just not motivating for me to simply talk about my "issues" and end it with "But I'm okay, you're okay, we're all okay!" I need motivation to change it.