Aaaalmost What I Was Thinking....

Well, I satisfied the creative bug a bit. Not anything like what I was inspired to do when I wrote my last blog...but it was something. I just made two paintings for the apartment.




























See. Not anything spectacular. The one on the top (for bedroom) is basically a carbon-copy of a painting I saw on Target.com. I just changed the colors. And the one on the bottom was inspired by a rug I got for the living room. Colors in the photos aren't entirely accurate...at all. Low lighting.

I do have to make some gifts that I do have some more artistic ideas for. So that's exciting.

Not much else to report of in the Land of Oz. I felt like having a slightly less emotionally-loaded blog post.

Reflections

Easter marked the first time in a long time of returning to my former church in Fort Wayne, IN.

I'm gonna be a bit of an open book...and hopefully no one will get angry if they stumble upon this.

In the past, it's been somewhat difficult going back there. There certainly were some very, very good times. Amazing friends that I will never forget that played an instrumental part in my growth as a person and a Christian. But there were also some wounds. Let's be honest, when you spent 4+ years at a place, you're gonna have good and bad memories. I'm not trying to be negative by any means.

Anyway... for some reason my visits home always felt awkward. I feared people being angry with me for not calling, etc., etc. (Which is honestly mostly due to my insecurities and fears of people being angry with me). Going back, I used to flash back...to both the good and the bad times. But we know how Satan likes to attack, so it seemed like the flash backs to the bad were more intense...and more numerous (which I know is not the case).
And the "bad" times obviously weren't always another person's fault. In high school, I struggled with depression off-and-on. So, I had my own emotional and spiritual battles going on.

But this time...it was so...nice. For lack of a better word...seeing as how it's 1:30am and I'm tired (but I have these thoughts and want to write!)

I could go through and list all the people I saw again, but...I'll spare the reader. It was just...relieving to see people where there was tension before and to just walk up and give them a hug. Part of me was just determined to destroy that tension or awkwardness...because there's no place for it. Really, I was tired of letting Satan win and get the better of me. This time, I wasn't going to want to leave as soon as church was over.

I didn't see everyone I was hoping to. But I'm grateful I saw the ones I did. It made me miss everyone (not that I didn't in the past)...and I'm so glad for what everyone has going on in their lives right now...babies...college...marriage.

We've all changed a lot, but it's cool to see it happen. I wish I had an old photo from CDYC or something to stick up here, but I don't. Not on my computer, anyway.

Going from "I" to "we"..."me" to "us"....

I just realized today how I haven't been adjusting mentally very well to being a wife soon.

A friend put it this way: becoming "one" with another person isn't quite something you just jump into.

It's hard adjusting from, as the title says, "I" to "we"..."me" to "us". The physical oneness will come later, so for now I'm/we're just working on the mental oneness. Sean, I think, is having an easier time than me haha.

But, now that I've recognized that I've been sucking at it, I can improve!

Ignorance and Immaturity

I've been subbing at Holt Jr. High for Mrs. Dowling all week. I start out in Mrs. King's room...a class that's entirely made up of special education students. I'm there for activity and first hour. Second hour, I take 4 of the kids to choir.

Granted, I know this is middle school, so immaturity runs rampant. Nonetheless, I find myself getting really agitated when some of the other students laugh at, mock, ignore, or throw things at some of "my kids". Some of them are nice to them, but by and large, these kids are just plain rude.

One of the other students tried to hit one of my kids with a rubber band. He's lucky it missed. I gave him the evil eye teachers give students as if to say "I'm watching you." I felt ultra protective at that moment. I was just WAITING for him to try to fling another one.

And I just want to add this: that choir class is a complete joke. The teacher just has the students "sing along" to songs you'd hear on the radio. HOW is that choir?! Let's just encourage sexual behavior by playing those songs, shall we?

Ok, after choir, I take the kids back to Mrs. King's for language arts and I go to lunch. I come back, help for the remainder of the class, then take the kids to lunch. After lunch, it's back to Mr.s King's for pre-vocational. And finally, for fifth hour, I take 4 of the students to engineering.

I'm not entirely convinced this class is the best for these students. Even though "less" is required of them for the class, it still just...doesn't seem right. I tried explaining their assignment to them in simpler terms and it's literally impossible. The ideas themselves are too complex.

The kids had to take these small square pieces of paper, label the sides, and then tape them together to form a top, front, and right side. I forgot to take one of the student's box with me and she left it at home. The teacher said they needed them, so I told him I needed to make her a new one because I forgot to take hers for her.
He said something along the lines of "Well, geez-o-pete, can't she remember?" And I wanted to be like "Are you seriously that ignorant?! She's mentally handicapped."
The teacher aggravated me more than the other students.

Middle school students are expected to be slightly ignorant. But teachers?? C'mon now.
I suppose I have to have patience with some of the teachers just as I do with the students. Yet, were it not for being in the classroom, I would have said something to that man. And if the music wasn't so freaking loud in choir, I would have had a talk with that boy. I should have regardless.

A visit, long overdue.

I'm going to Indiana to visit for the first time since Christmas. I miss my family so much and I really need this. Not just for wedding planning, but simply because I miss them.

I find myself feeling really envious of people who have family so close. A short 15 minute drive and you're there. They have a bad day and they can just up and go to coffee with their mom. Sure, I can call my mom when I have a bad day, but I'm 2 hours away from any sort of physical comfort of getting a mom-hug.

And the past couple of weeks have just been one blow after another, so I could REALLY use time with my family.

I have a feeling this will get easier when I'm married, however. Not that I won't miss them, it will just get easier.

Why Lansing Sucks.

Today, a man "with the city" came to the door to give us a written warning.
If our sidewalk isn't shoveled and salted within 24 hours, there will be a $25.00 fine.
I mean, this is somewhat understandable.

However, combine this with the "no parking on streets from 12am-5am" with a $9 ticket as the penalty and you get ridiculousness. It's seriously messed up that you can't even park in front of your own house without getting a ticket.
Yeah, the roads need to be plowed. But they never plow our street anyway!!
I know that is not a law in Indiana...and things were just fine. Just drive around the snow/parked car.

Grrrrrrrrr.

Oh, and what's even more ridiculous about the sidewalk thing: EVERY OTHER HOUSE on our street has their sidewalks salted...overnight.

Our neighbors hate us. That's all there is to it.

What have we done, Lord, to soil your name?

" Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
~Colossians 3:13~

This is a profound thing Christ calls us to do. Believe me, there have been many times where it has been nearly impossible for me to forgive someone who hurt me and sinned against me. But one in particular took many years. It was painful and probably the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, but I knew I had to do it.

Christ calls us to do this for many reasons. One is simply to be good image bearers. If we do not forgive, how can people believe in the forgiving God that we claim to follow?

I've told people the story in detail. One response I got was: "How did you stay a Christian?" That response right there is a clear example of how the world looks at our responses to sin committed against us as an example of how God must be.

Another reason, and this is the main reason why I had to muddle through my forgiveness issues with a certain individual, is unforgiveness...bitterness...anger...these things, for one, are not from God. For two, it sits and festers in your heart.
One thing God told/spoke to me: "Your heart is becoming cold...slowly and without your knowledge. Do not let your heart become cold." The mental image of a heart surrounded by thick, black, nearly impenetrable matter came to mind. That was my heart. All because of one grievance. Not necessarily one instance, but many over the course of several years. But nonetheless...because of one person.

I could forgive the ex-boyfriends who dumped me because I wouldn't sleep with them. I could forgive the boy who caused such anxiety and fear in my heart because I thought for sure he was going to rape me. I could forgive the friend who would get mad at me for no reason and would refuse to speak to me. I could forgive all of that relatively easily. But this one person...this one instance...was something quite different all together.

But it doesn't end there. I did forgive. And while I don't know if this man is aware of the pain he caused or if he is aware that I have forgiven him (though I am considering writing him a letter), I knew it had to be done. Though I'd probably never see him again, I knew I had to forgive. Because God forgave me...and continues to forgive me. This is, by far, the greatest reason why I knew I had to forgive him.

This is why I would encourage anyone and everyone to forgive those who have hurt you. I know from experience it is daunting, painful, and incredibly difficult. But it's not impossible.

Complacency

Last night at church, Steve Summerlot spoke more on Colossians. He was teaching about when Paul was referring to being "complete in Christ" and all that means and entails. Steve talked about being "genuinely encouraging"..."connected to other believers"...and "experiencing ever-increasing understanding".

Expanding on the last point, Steve talked about being confident and assured in what you believe. Honestly, that's one of my biggest struggle...if not the biggest. I know the answers to the questions, but sometimes those answers don't seem like enough.

Yet, I find I'm most confident in what I believe when I'm going through trials. And not in a "religion is a krutch" kind of way...I really honestly fully lean on God. When life is good, I become complacent. It's not that "I don't need You"...I just don't feel God.

Thankfully, my faith is not dependent upon my feelings.

But I find that even reading the Scripture just seems dull and boring. It's not alive to me. I wish it was all the time. It certainly is and has been at times.

So...pray for me?

Why I do the things I do...?

I've thought about this many, many times and still can't find an answer to why I am this way.

I think so many things sometimes but don't say them. I mean, "meaner", more sinful thoughts are okay to keep inside and deal with privately with God. But even something like...complimenting someone on their hair, makeup, or shirt. Or saying something possibly funny. I hold so much in at the risk of sounding like an idiot...or people not finding it funny. But when I do let my guard down and say whats on my mind more, I feel so much more..."me". I don't know why I keep things in...there's really no reason to sometimes. It's a mystery. I am a mystery to myself. What a strange feeling.

Recently I'd been struggling with anger at work. One of the kids...or both...or worse, all three, would be crying and I'd get so frustrated. Frustrated at the mom...frustrated that I tried juice...I tried milk...diaper is not diry...and she's still crying. I'd take it out on the kids...not in any huge, horrible way, but nonetheless. Defenseless children who can't hit back (again, not saying I did hit them...I'd never do that). I'd leave work feeling so horrible. "How is it that my patience ran so thin today? Why did I get that frustrated?" I love these kids terribly!! And yet, I got angry at them for crying when it's not their fault they can't just tell me what's wrong.

I was talking to Sean about it and the dichotomy of the situation is just mind-boggling. Most of the time, I'm not an easily angered person. I hate conflict and it takes quite a bit to get me angry. Yet, I have moments, days, or periods of time where I'm just so easily angered and I feel like I just can't hold it in anymore. So...to be easily angered is not me...and yet, it is at the same time. And I hate it.

My aunt Kelli told me once "When I think of you, Mikenna, I think of pure love and gentleness." It was incredibly encouraging to hear, but when I have bad days or weeks at work I just think "If only she knew, she wouldn't have said that about me."

That's one of the things I hate most about sin. It turns people into something their not. I would go so far as to say that God did create me with a "gentler" spirit. I was also raised and taught throughout life (by my parents) to love people unconditionally...put others before yourself. But I'm fallen. I am sinful.

But praise God for his mercy and grace! Were it not for that, I don't know where I'd be right now...I know where I'd end up, and that is incredible. I'm so undeserving of His love and grace, and yet He continuously tells me "I already paid the price for you. I love you. I forgive you. Again and again and again. Go and sin no more."

Do others as you would have done unto you...

I went grocery shopping a few days ago and, of course, everyone swarmed the checkout. Seriously, though, why does that happen?!
Anyway. I was only behind one lady. I looked back and a man in his 50's (ish) behind me only had a few items in his cart. "Do you want to go ahead of me since you have less in your cart than me?" I offered. "Oh, I don't mind." So, I told him to just go head of me...that it was no big deal. He chuckled a condescending chuckle and said under his breath: "I really don't care" as he walked ahead of me.

My heart sank a little. I mean, I didn't go cry about it, but I was hurt. By a complete stranger. I truly wanted to do something nice for someone...not that I'm a [bad word] all the time, I just like to do things for people in hopes that it will brighten their day. And I was made to look like a fool.

By the time I got to the cashier to pay for my things, I realized I was angry. I wanted to go find the man and swear at him..."I tried to do something nice for you and you had the nerve to say 'I don't really care'?!? I tried to make your day better and you ruined mine."

Those are the things that make you wonder if there's any hope for humanity.
Then there are things that help you see that there are nice people.

I'm at Beaner's right now and their floor is flooding from an unknown source. Two regulars walk in and the old man picks up the mop and starts to mop up the water.

Not a huge spectacular gesture...but neither was my gesture. But it's the small things you HOPE will at the very least bring a smile to a persons day.

On forgiveness and gossip...

Well, let me start out by giving God glory for speaking to me so much in the past several months. It's amazing how much I've learned, realized, and been convicted on. I don't think I've experienced this much spiritual growth since my days at Cornerstone U.

One thing God laid on my heart was to contact to someone I used to be pretty close with. I knew I needed to confess my sins against this person and ask for their forgiveness. For the most part, I wasn't too concerned with how my email would have been received...while I wanted their forgiveness, the choice was theirs as to whether or not to grant me that. Were they to not forgive me, I would understand.

But the response I got was positive. Almost overwhelmingly so. Once I read their response, my heart literally felt 5lbs lighter. I was overjoyed! To have that relationship reconciled...to know I was no longer bitter or angry and they were not bitter or angry at me put me at ease. Hopefully now that friendship can be maintained once again.

While confessing to someone how you've hurt them (whether or not they are aware) and asking forgiveness is difficult and humbling...it is well worth it. It's astonishing how bitterness can weigh you down.

Gossip is an issue I've struggled with for quite some time. Most of the time, I gossip without having a conscious thought of "I'm gossiping right now". But that is one thing that has changed. I feel God convicting me and tugging on my heart. "You know what it feels like to have people gossip about you...why do you do the same to others?"

I was reading one of my old prayer journals last week and was reading about the time in life where I was working through forgiving people from my past...people I was unable to contact or confront. I asked God to help me to see them as He sees them. It really stood out to me because these were people that had hurt me dearly...the wounds were deep and the scars still there.

However, I felt convicted to take that prayer beyond people who'd hurt me to people I've hurt or was hurting by gossiping about them.

God has been so faithful and overwhelmingly apparent in my life, it's amazing! Amazing and yet humbling and quite damaging to one's pride. Haha.

The struggle with Christianity...

I was recently reading the blog of someone I went to Cornerstone with. He's been researching other religions...for the sake of seeking out truth rather than converting, so he wrote. He said one he liked in particular was Buddhism. He gave a brief description of the Buddhist belief system and pointed out how similar it is to Christ's teachings of how to live your life.

I can see how Buddhism can be an attractive belief system to follow, but it all seems empty and shallow without a Savior who died for you and loves you so much that you cannot comprehend it. Without Christ, it's simply "You should be a good person." I mean, Christianity says that, too...but with more "oomf", I feel. Love because Christ first loved you. Be merciful because God is merciful with you. Forgive because you were forgiven.

It got me thinking about why people struggle with Christianity. Not that I haven't, don't get me wrong. I've had my share of doubts and questioning and I wouldn't be surprised if I do in the future as well.

But reading his blog...once I got to the end...I just thought "Why?" Why do people struggle with Christianity? Why did I struggle? I've read up on other religions and no other religion has been nearly as "attractive" to me as Christianity. Except maaaybe Baha'i. Maybe.

But that's just it though...it's not about me and what works for me...what I think is truth. If you live by the "everyone's religion 'works' because it's their truth"...then there really is no truth. In order to have truth, you have to have non-truth.

I think a big mistake people make is they look at the Christians who live the complete opposite of what they say they believe and then somehow blame God or the entire faith in itself. It's just like any other stereotype. You wouldn't swear off any form of medical help or going to the hospital just because a few doctors you met or heard about messed up big time in surgery. Or maybe you would, I don't know. The point is, it's just like saying "All men are pigs"..."All blondes are stupid".

I dunno. Just some thoughts.